Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…
Romantic relationships are something that most people in life greatly value or want for themselves. It is so normal to want one. I often hear about how clients want a romantic partner and can struggle to find one, especially in the world of online dating. People will often discuss wanting to feel content or happy without a relationship- not wanting to need one, but really wanting one or feeling like they do need one to feel complete or fulfilled.
We all want to feel cherished, seen, heard, important, and with someone who fully accepts us- despite our flaws. Again, it is so normal to want this. It’s also incredibly painful when we struggle to find it.
However, sometimes when we find ourselves looking incredibly hard or hyper focusing on finding a partner, there may be some unresolved issues at play that can make this fixation unhealthy. Sometimes when there is an intense hunger or starvation for love, we can find ourselves ready to mold ourselves into whatever or whoever we perceive one wants us to be, or we can overlook or excuse away red flag behaviors. We can then end up in a situation where we settle, are unfulfilled, unhappy, and over time want to change or control a partner to fit our desires. Sometimes this can also lead to more serious situations where we are disrespected, unsafe, or in toxic dynamics. Yet still, we can struggle to put the relationship down if it truly isn’t working.
Many people often fear… “If I end this relationship, will I find love again? Will I be alone forever? Am I undeserving of a partner who would fulfill my desires?”
I don’t want to sit here and negate the intensity of the fear within these questions. It is way easier said than done to just get up and walk away. But it is important to pose yourself with some important questions.
What do I want my future life to feel or look like?
What will my life continue to look like if I stay in this relationship?
What could life look like if I leave?
Who would stand by me if I need help or support?
It’s also important to remember that we cannot change a person. We cannot control another person or how they choose to behave or respond to us, or even how they live their lives. We are responsible for ourselves, our own emotions, and noticing when someone or something isn’t serving us any longer. We have to know when to walk away.
Often times people will believe that they can “fix” or “change” their partner. While all relationships definitely have struggles and can require compromise and growth or change, it’s just important to remember that both parties must be willing and open to do so.
There is hope to untangle and understand your thoughts and feelings and to make sense of the behaviors that manifest as a result of attachment issues or core beliefs. There is hope to cope with and manage the fears and beliefs around loneliness, feeling unlovable, unwanted, undeserving, or other negative beliefs that can make setting boundaries or limits for ourselves challenging.
If you find yourself in a dynamic similar to one described above, seeking professional help is important. It’s important to give your pain and fear the space it deserves; to explore it in depth. To feel it.
Having a support system is also one of the biggest resiliency factors when we are struggling with something challenging or distressing in life. A support system can consist of friends, family, therapists, and community.
If you are dealing with some of the struggles described above, reach out for support.
Please note, this blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health treatment or therapy. Reading this content does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing emotional distress or mental health concerns, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional in your area.
Jenna Cotton, LCSW
