I’m Afraid to “Be Mean…”
Time and time again I will hear in session how the thought of sharing one’s true feelings, needs, or boundaries feels really scary.
I can also feel this way a lot of the time in my own life and work to manage my emotions for when I do have brave conversations with others.
So what is it that we are afraid of and why?
When we think about sharing a feeling that may hurt, disappoint, or inconvenience someone, a lot of the time we worry that the person will want to disengage from us. We worry they will judge us as “bad” or “mean,” or we worry that the person will feel bad about themselves and unable to handle their emotions…leaving us to care for them and/or reassure them. Usually this is to help them feel better in order to prevent us from feeling bad or rejected.
Ultimately at the root of these fears we can feel afraid of rejection and disconnection.
As humans, we are social animals that thrive on connection. We survive by existing in social groups. The saying “it takes a village” is certainly true. As human beings, we have always existed and evolved in groups and we need connection to survive and thrive. Being rejected from the group could ultimately mean death…no help with food, shelter, or protection.
If we dive into our humanity for a moment to understand ourselves-as humans we all feel emotions, which serve an evolutionary function. A lot of negative emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear can be protective or signal a need for help from the group. For example, we have something called mirror neurons. These neurons fire when we perform an action and also when we see someone else perform an action. For instance, if someone else is crying, mirror neurons will activate parts of our own brain that would fire when we, ourselves, cry. This helps us experience empathy and support one another in groups and survive.
Happiness, and other positive emotions can increase the production of dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins in the brain which make us want to repeat certain behaviors or experiences. For example, when we eat food, we experience pleasure. Eating is obviously essential for survival and therefore experiencing pleasure from eating makes us want to eat again and again and maintain fuel to keep us alive. When we smile, laugh, or play, we feel happy and build and maintain social connection. All of these things point to the fact that existing in groups aids our own survival and is protective.
So…when we think about disappointing someone in our life who is part of our social group, family, etc.- there may be real biological fears related to this person rejecting us, abandoning us, or us feeling alone. For instance, while I logically know it is totally acceptable and fair for me to tell a friend that they did something to upset me- on an emotional or biological level, it may feel very threatening. My body may shake or tremble. My heart rate may increase. I may feel sweaty. Disappointing someone could potentially mean disconnection and a threat to survival, creating a stress response in the body.
Many people will try to support others with setting boundaries or expressing feelings through discussions around logic. “Do you really think your friend will tell you they hate you or you’re a bad friend if you tell them you were hurt by them?” Thinking through things can definitely be helpful. But it’s also important to acknowledge the components at play that are wired into our biology. We must work to soothe the body as well.
The work that can be important for healthy expression is around working to identify your own emotions in response to what happened/is happening, pause before reacting, and soothe the body prior to responding. Healthy expression also leaves space for compassion and understanding for the other person involved. To hear that person out, validate their experience and feelings, and try to see if you can reconnect and come to a collaborative resolution.
It’s also important to keep in mind that often times as humans, if we don’t express certain emotions that feel strong or persistent, we will usually end up acting in a passive aggressive manner. That is because the feelings you are experiencing do actually serve a purpose and are trying to find a way to come out to benefit you and your wellbeing. Passive aggressive behaviors ultimately harm a relationship and lead to disconnection anyway.
So next time you find yourself worrying about being mean if you express a feeling, need, or boundary:
Validate your fears and your desires for acceptance and connection as a human being…it’s normal to not want to feel rejected or disconnected.
Regulate your body with belly-breathing or other coping strategies that reset your nervous system (working with a therapist around these techniques can be helpful.)
Ask yourself what you’re feeling, why, and how to share it with "I feel” statements when you feel calm and ready
“When you did____, I felt_____. I would really like it if in the future you would____ instead.”
Leave space for understanding the other person and being receptive to their experience of the situation as well.
One final note- navigating relationships can be tricky. These are just some basic guidelines and information about the function of emotions. Each person is unique and has their own history and reasons why expression can be challenging. There are also times where regardless of sharing your feelings in the healthiest way possible, you still feel hurt or invalidated by someone or it’s too difficult to come to a resolution. In these instances, it’s helpful to get support to know when you may need to take space from a relationship in order to protect yourself.
This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health treatment or therapy. Reading this content does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing emotional distress or mental health concerns, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional in your area.
Jenna Cotton, LCSW
